Indian marriages are considered sacred unions. Once the pheras have been taken and the ‘swaha’ said it’s permanent, this is the way of life. Divorce is a rare option. In some ways I find myself pondering the flip side of the Indian marital coin. We’re taught that once the mangalsutra is on and the sindoor applied, it’s forever. Perhaps this is what gives us a penchant to make our marriages work. And at the same time, we find it hard to extract ourselves from situations where it’s not working. Domestic violence and marital rape cases in India are one of the highest in the world. And amongst these percentages, sanskari practices and modern trends, that we desperately try to blend in our marriages, we have someone who ‘makes matches in heaven’. Say hello to Sima Taparia, from Mumbai.

Late at night unable to sleep, I put on ‘Indian Matchmaking’ prepared to be thoroughly entertained and came out horrified. Sima Taparia is ‘the top matchmaker’, from Mumbai India. She is working with over 135 Indian families to help them arrange their marriages. Arranged marriages are an old part of Indian culture, and as many Indians have witnessed in their parents and their own experiences, they are as capable of working as love marriages are. So where does Sima Aunty fit in? She works with families and gets a ‘biodata’ for the girl or boy she’s matching and then hands them out to the other families she’s working with and makes them meet. It’s the classical dating app  – ‘Interfering Indian Aunty’ and it does work in several situations. So where then does the problem lie?

The reality show/documentary is problematic in a number of ways. Netflix has picked up on some of India’s worst qualities and showcased them centre stage – casteism, colourism, classism. So does the inherent problem lie first and foremost in the idea that the general public finds this show hilarious or in the fact that these are real problems that the youth of India continues to face, which Sima Aunty does nothing to change, despite the huge platform she has been given.

Let’s start by looking at Sima Aunty. She’s a woman who believes that God has placed her on earth to make matches that are pre-ordained in heaven. She uses Buddhist chanting, which is used to soothe the mind, to change the negative energy of another person (who is not even in the room with her) into a ‘positive vibe’. She believes in the age-old idea that the matching of kundlis is the very first thing to see and that the pandit ji who reads faces is the primary pool from which accurate knowledge about people will flow. Give her some robes and a chandan ka tika and she could be the next brand, like Patanjali. Not one thing she says on the show in terms of her duty as a matchmaker – is rooted in reality (i.e. I am good at this job therefore I should do it). I am a firm believer in ‘to each his own’, so more power to Sima Aunty as long as she doesn’t enforce her beliefs on her clients. (SPOILER ALERT: she does).

What’s more is that Sima Aunty has a sort of fixation on slim and trim, fair and tall and caste. There isn’t a single episode in which she doesn’t say either ‘fair, tall and well educated’ or ‘pretty, slim-trim, well-cultured family’. Most of the times these comments are in regards to the woman. I can count on my fingers the number of times she refers to the boy as the same. The first thing Sima Aunty tells Snehal Totla regarding Pradhyuman Maloo, is ‘the reason I thought you both would match well is because he is also slim, trim and tall… you are also slim trim and tall.’ Seems like Sima Aunty can pick out two people who look alike in a line-up and lead them to the mandap. I guess it’s its own skill. It was a blow to her credibility and it led to many questions arising in my mind in regards to how she matches people. If it’s based on only looks I’m not surprised that none of the clients on the show could make it work.

So rather than dissect what’s wrong with this series as a whole, I’m going to take it apart through a few of Sima Aunty’s clients and emphasize the main indiscretions this show commits at the end. Just to keep things fresh.

APARNA

Here’s the first thought that went through my mind on hearing Aparna’s predicament. A ‘thirty-four’ year old woman – the time period for getting a good match is long gone. That’s probably the first issue we need to address as a society, our judgement towards women who get married at a later age. We look at women as spinsters when they pass into their 30s. It’s a mindset so deeply ingrained in us, that even I, coming from a liberal household, couldn’t help but think it was too late for her. And I would bet money on the fact that most viewers started with the same thought. 

While talking to Aparna and her mother, there is a pained expression on Sima Aunty’s face. She tries hard to hide her clear disdain at Aparna’s personality and fails. Aparna is an educated lawyer, she knows what she wants and she isn’t afraid to voice it. True that she may come across as a bit abrasive but she seems adamant on what she wants. Sima Aunty did not appreciate this as evidenced by her many comments. Problem #2, Sima Aunty doesn’t seem to realize this is a professional relationship she’s entered into. Just because Aparna is calling her ‘Sima Aunty’, doesn’t give her the right or relationship to pass comments on Aparna’s personality. The comments passed on the show give Sima Aunty an unprofessional air and I wouldn’t go to her simply on that basis. Furthermore, when Aparna emphasizes on wanting someone who is on the same page as her, Sima aunty brushes this off as swiftly as she can by saying ‘you must compromise, you must adjust.’

Here’s where the problem lies – marriage in my point of view won’t work if one doesn’t compromise. But the chances of Sima Aunty saying to a male client, what she does to Aparna is highly unlikely. She barely mentions it while talking to/about the hugely problematic Akshay. And even her explanation lacks, Sima Aunty makes no effort to explain what she means by adjustment. Aparna comments seconds later that there are parts of her personality that she wouldn’t be willing to change for anyone, which seems reasonable enough. Sima Aunty does a shoddy job of explaining to Aparna that she doesn’t have to adjust and compromise her personality 100%. In fact, she doesn’t bother saying that at all. She simply says “in a marriage, you have to adjust”. Does that imply then, that Aparna must mould herself completely around her husband? Or does that mean there has to be some compromise on both sides? Badly done Sima Aunty. Either she’s completely misogynistic or she’s bad at her job, which is it? It’s hard to say…

PRADHYUMAN

Pradhyuman has a fixation on attraction. That’s his primary criteria for meeting a woman – the first impression she makes on him will be based on physical appearance. He tries to hide it by adding the words mentally attractive, after a bit of effort on his part, trying to make what he’s saying not sound as bad as it does. His friends say that the primary characteristic that Pradhyuman looks for in a woman, is her looks. To which he laughingly agrees. Sima Aunty doesn’t find this problematic as evidenced by Snehal Totla above. What Pradhyuman has essentially done, is reduce his partners to their face value. Let’s address the problems here. What happens when his wife gets pregnant? She gains weight and suddenly becomes unattractive (to Pradhyuman). What’s Pradhyuman going to do then? What happens when she gets zits on her menstrual cycle, is unable to lose the baby weight, gets wrinkles when she ages. Does the attraction die? What happens when you have nothing to talk about, bond over and no similar interests. Does the attraction die? Only Pradhyuman can answer these questions. But Sima Aunty doesn’t address this. She waves it off and says ‘He’s fussy, I’ll have to work extra hard to find him a match.’ The rest of Pradhyuman’s criteria are fairly vague. Problematic? Hugely. Did Pradhyuman even see anything other than Rushali’s photograph – Sima Aunty says she’s tall, she’s slim, she’s fair, she’s a model. Pradhyuman is visibly excited and says she dresses well, looks nice and carries herself well. She might as well have been mute and deaf and he wouldn’t have noticed.

AKSHAY

I am not usually judgemental. But this family made it really very hard… Akshay will bear the brunt of my disdain. Or rather, I can’t find it in my heart to feel such strong emotions for a mere puppet on strings. I’ll direct my disdain towards Preeti. Preeti is every bahu’s worst nightmare. She is the saas from the Indian TV serials you and I grew up watching. I wouldn’t be surprised if she lifted her kurta and you found the umbilical cord still connected to her and her beloved son. Akshay is everything that is wrong with this show, this society and Indian marriages in general. Akshay wants a woman exactly like his mother. His mother wants a woman who is flexible. Seems incredibly hypocritical when Preeti herself is not flexible towards the Bahu she’s bringing in.

Domestic staff in Indian households work incredibly hard. Having lived on my own, I know the amount of hard work they put into their jobs. What Preeti essentially wants is an addition to her domestic staff, who she doesn’t have to add to her payroll. She wants someone who will nanny her future grandchildren, who will open the front door and who will be running back and forth from the dinner table to serve the men and elders rather than enjoy her own meal. She wants someone who will cook meals, clean the house and bring chai every day at four o clock. I have immense respect for housewives. But I don’t agree with the idea that to be a married woman is to be unpaid indentured labour. And that’s exactly what Akshay and Preeti want.

As for Radhika – congratulations, you escaped right on time. And to Preeti – better start looking before the BP problems resurface.

HUMOR ASIDE, WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS?

Netflix has picked up on this show and documented Sima Aunty’s work to the world showcasing the age-old tradition of Indian arranged marriages to the world. They’ve showcased several problematic individuals in the show and not only highlighted the problems in the system on display but the hidden shadows in our marital system that we as an audience try to brush under the carpet. Here’s a quick aerial view of each.

Prevalent and explicit casteism today:

Sima mentions in every episode that caste is important to look at. She includes caste/community in her biodatas in the top few lines and matches according to the clients ask. What she’s essentially done, or rather allowed to take place is the reinforcements of rigidity in the ranking of the caste system. It’s no secret that casteism is rearing its ugly head once more in the country and historically it’s hard for families to accept marriages between drastically lower caste and upper caste matches. I wasn’t expecting Sima aunty to be able to change this mindset in one documentary. But what I definitely didn’t expect was the shocking airing of casteism as though it were dirty laundry she was putting out for the neighbours to see. What this essentially does is spotlight something that is already considered okay to do and allow the general public who are watching the show to shrug it off as acceptable. I won’t delve into the religious aspect because in the new India it’s highly unlikely for any type of inter-religious mingling in terms of matrimony. What I was expecting was for Sima Aunty to try and make an effort to explain to any of her clients or the viewers that looking at caste is an outdated practice, which she wouldn’t like to endorse. But Sima Aunty makes no effort, in fact, the way she points it out, and the way she often sticks to specific caste groups within a range for her clients. She makes no effort to alter the system in any way despite being given immense power to do so with her platform, background and ability to sway the clients. She not only endorses that it is acceptable to look at caste but rather highlights it as a must in her method. Does Sima Aunty work with clients who are Dalits? And if so does she give them only matches within the same caste group?

It’s the propagation of a highly problematic ancient system that has been seen from the ancient scriptures as well as the most widely read Indian myth, the Mahabharata. If we were to bring all the concepts from there into the future, dowry, kanyadaan, agnipariksha, the eight rules of marriage from the Manusmriti, etc. and a client looked at these as must-haves, Sima Aunty would say ‘I have to look at my client’s preferences.’ All in a days work after all. 

The contention around compromise :

When one looks at Aparna, the first and foremost thought that went through my mind was, she’s so demanding. But the inherent thought process involved in that idea is wrong. Personally, I believe that compromise should be equal. But let’s be fair, had any man been as demanding, would Sima Aunty have used the words she did for Aparna? Unstable, demanding, negative, egoistic, stubborn… Akshay/Preeti demand a number of highly unreasonable things and Sima Aunty laughs and says ‘Akshay is not willing to look at the proposals.’ Why didn’t Sima Aunty say – Akshay/Preeti should be flexible, he should not be so demanding, he is a bit stubborn, he is an overgrown man child and she’s surprised his mother let him leave her womb? Why shouldn’t a woman who is demanding and unwilling to compromise be treated the same as a man who might do the same?

The crux comes down to the fact that even today we look at women making the compromise 99% of the time. Why is it that Geeta the other elite matchmaker the show features thinks it’s okay in the 21st century to tell Ankita (another of Sima Aunty’s clients) that the woman has to make more compromises and if her husband wants to move for his work she should be ready to pack her bags and go with him despite running her own successful enterprise. Might as well tell the guy, ‘Here’s a pack mule you can roam the world with, while she asks no questions’.

This is an India where women have to ask their potential partners, ‘Will you let me work?’ The fact that as a woman you have to ‘ask permission’ to make a decision, that is for you, your own security, your independence and your happiness is appalling. A world where you have to ask someone for permission to work and have a career, is not a world of equals. And yet we don’t laud the fact that Aparna wants to work, she wants someone who has some general knowledge about the places they travel to and she wants someone who is ambitious about their career. She knows what she wants, and that according to Sima Aunty is exactly why she shouldn’t get it. Sima Aunty makes no effort to try and change Preeti’s mind. She doesn’t tell her that working women are not as abnormal as she may find them. She doesn’t treat Aparna and Ankita the same way she treats Akshay.

This is hugely problematic for me. I have seen my mother, my sister and both my grandmothers  working in successful businesses and being the best in their fields. They are hugely successful and they have never once been stopped. It is upsetting for me to see a woman working in such an influential position as Sima Taparia is, to reduce the efforts of women such as these and more with a few mere sentences about what she thinks Aparna is all about because of her demands.

Playing with Marriages, The Use of the Kundli:

Now, this is a fairly short complaint because it’s a religious belief in a way, which I in no way intend on attacking. But I do believe that leaving final matches on the matching of horoscopes is archaic and it inspires a culture of laziness. On the basis of kundli’s you can make easy excuses as to why it didn’t work out or reasons to stay in a marriage that isn’t working (bacche kundli mein 5 out of 5 match tha…), or to explain why you aren’t great at your job, as Sima Aunty conveniently does.

All I’m trying to say, is that to leave potential marriages to a chart that the pandit ji drew up at the temple based on time of birth, rashis, yoga, etc. It seems like an easy way out for Sima Aunty. But again this is a point, that is of completely personal belief and as a reader can be disregarded if you feel it is incorrect.

The Advantages of being Attractive

I don’t really know how to tackle this point. Let me start by saying that in class 12 English while teaching us how to write a matrimonial ad for the Board exams, I clearly remember my teacher instructing the class to be careful as to what we put down. “Don’t talk about height, skin color, weight, eye color, caste, religion and any other controversial demarcation.” This is incorrect. I remember thinking CBSE had given me at least one life skill before I graduated. Chalo, if I don’t get a job, am unable to buy a house and in general, am unsuccessful, I’ll be able to advertise myself correctly enough for marriage. This is false knowledge. If I submitted the ad I sumbitted for my Board Exams, to a newspaper I assure every reader, that not one boy would have called. Not even the ones whose mummies were having high BP and palpitations at the idea of their sons being single. I will provide a single example, and then urge you to scour the newspapers for more so you might witness the plethora of nonsense people are publishing.

Sima Aunty explicitly says it is easy for her to find matches for tall, fair, slim-trim people. How did Nadia feel about that? She’s got a dusky, dark complexion. Vyasar? Who is by no definition slim-trim (Fact of observation, in no way is this intended as an insult). Ankita and Aparna are curvy, Akshay has a dark complexion, and Pradhyuman has no brain. Here’s the thing – attraction differs from person to person. Handing out physical descriptions in the biodata makes it easy for others to prey on physical insecurities and, for lack of a better word, flaws. I’d bet my life on the fact that if Pradhyuman had been shown a photograph of any woman on the show (Aparna, Nadia, Ankita, Rupam, Manisha, Rashi) his answer to meet them itself, would be an unsurprising no. I felt personally attacked by this. Everyone has their insecurities and to be told that to get married you need to fit in these three categories, tall, fair and slim is an incredibly tall order for any man or woman to fill.

The generalization is far too wide. Say I’m all three and I have horrific scarring on my face (which is true, I suffered for eight years with severe acne and scarring). Does that mean it’s okay to not give me the best of the matches for me that Sima Aunty has to offer. That’s the sort of pattern Sima Aunty applies. I detest judgement on physical appearances and yet the fact that I’m now forced to write this increases my horror at Sima Aunty’s methods.

Vyasar was matched only with other over-weight women. Pradhyuman was matched with Sneha because they fit into the same categories physically. Aparna was matched with men of similar physical build. (This is all personal observation). It’s incredibly sad.

WHATS THE VERDICT?

Here’s my final point of order. It is unrealistic for me to assume that one woman, even Sima Taparia from Mumbai sent by God himself, can change the system. It’s not going to happen. My point of contention lies mainly in the fact that Sima Aunty has a huge position in the matrimonial system of India, she now has an international platform and she doesn’t do the smallest thing to try and change it. She infuses the show and thereby the system first with her own archaic and unprofessional views and them embraces the highly troubling mindsets of the rest of the population. I would have liked to see her say one time, “Beta, don’t look only at physical appearances and physical attraction.” or “Caste is not so important in today’s day and age.” If she had said these things even once towards the opinions coming her way I would have been sold a little on the show because I could watch it knowing, at least she’s trying. If she hadn’t made comments on Aparna, tried to base her matches on the face-reading pandit and displayed a clear discrepancy on the way she treats male and female clients, I might have appreciated the work she’s dedicated her life to. But the sad and simple fact is, she didn’t and above any other reason that is why Indian Matchmaking is a problem. 

So, here’s raising a glass to Sima Aunty from Mumbai – Congratulations, you’ve failed at doing what really counts and you’ve done it ungracefully. Wonder what the God who sent you has to say about that. This is Zoya from Delhi, signing off.