I’ve only ever
Felt the sting of the needle
Leaving deep blooms
Indigoes and violets
Pasted on my skin.
Felt the anaesthesia
Seep into my blood
And sip at it
Leisurely
As though it had come
For a cup of tea
And a conversation.
‘Won’t you come and dance?’
It asks as it coils itself around
Cells
Stacked upon cells.
And they sit there
In a stagnant pool of blood
That begins to feel
A bit like nectar
Warm and runny
Like the drops that fall from
The heavens.
‘Come!’
It sings against my veins
‘Come and have a drink,
With me
And watch the tea turn from black
To brown.’
Until it looks like molten gold
And runs down the lines of my body
Painting it from the inside out.
‘Come and listen.’
It says thrumming it’s fingers
Against my heart,
Until I hear the sound of
The beating drums against my ears
Like wings on bees
Who kiss the flowers
Sensually.
‘Won’t you come?’
It whispers desperately
Swallowing the last mouthfuls
Of it’s golden tea,
As the numbness begins to alight
With slow snaps,
Of fresh and crackly honeycomb
To dip into my blood
Like the sting of the needle
Dipped into
A suffusion of honey.
Falling Kingdom – A Series Overview
In 2013 I picked up the first novel in Morgan Rhodes’s Falling Kingdom Series and I fell in love. I loved the story and the setting. But the series wasn’t over and in the many years it took for her to release all 6 books, I had lost interest and rereading the first book over and over had made me bored of it. But at the beginning of the year, I resolved to pick it up and finish the entire series. So here is my series review which will contain spoilers.
Falling Kingdoms

The first book moved a bit too slowly for me. I’m not sure if the book seemed to be dragging on because I’ve read this instalment before so many times or because that was just how the story seemed to go. I’ve practically learnt the first half of the book. But the rest of it that I didn’t remember to a tee seemed to drag on as well. I also couldn’t stand Aron and was hoping he’d be killed off. As for the characters, I only liked Cleo in this book. She was a kind girl and I feel like even though she seemed fickle, she was only 16 so it was an accurate representation of how young girls would behave. I really wanted Jonas and Cleo to end up together, I thought they’d have chemistry and they did from the very beginning. I didn’t enjoy the romance at all, between Cleo and Theon. It felt like insta-love which is a trope I hate. They didn’t have any chemistry and I didn’t like them at all. There was no build-up. As for Magnus, he seemed like a good character to develop but he was so unlikeable in this book. His infatuation with Lucia was so disturbing to me. I wish Morgan had made it so that he knew that Lucia was his adopted sister rather than making the attraction incestuous. He came across as creepy rather than brooding. I also didn’t enjoy that Magnus killed Cleo’s love interest because they had a lot of chemistry in the moment and if Jonas and Cleo don’t work out I would root for a future Magnus and Cleo pairing. It took me a while to finish this one.
Rebel Spring

This was better than the first instalment for sure, it was better paced and I finished it in a few hours. I found the writing style to be a bit degraded, it felt childish, the language didn’t flow as elegantly. The story was definitely picking up and the political intrigue was far better thought out than the first book. I didn’t like Jonas and Cleo any more, Jonas felt a bit slimy and I wanted better for Cleo. I feel like one of the problems with Morgan Rhodes writing style was that there is no build-up to the romance. As Cleo, I would be a bit shocked to be kissed out of the blue. The kisses between Jonas and Cleo were so forced and I didn’t see their romance really build up. I really like the tension between Magnus and Cleo, they have a very snarky, sexy vibe going for them. Lucia garnered no interest or sympathy from me, she became this whiny child. And I didn’t understand her romance with Alexius, Morgan is a big fan of insta-love. I felt like Jonas should have been the one to kill Aron rather than Magnus, especially given how horrible Aron was to Jonas especially.
Gathering Darkness

So I really enjoyed this book, the story is majorly picking up and I finally got interested in the series completely. The story moves much faster and the pacing is done so well, especially compared to the first two books. I didn’t like Jonas anymore, he didn’t have much of a role, all he seemed to be doing was running around. He ran around not achieving anything. He was in all sense of the world a useless character. Lucia gave me Ariel from the Little Mermaid vibes, she was so naive and simple-minded. All in all, I really didn’t like Jonas and Lucia. I loved the vibe between Magnus and Cleo, they are by far my favourite characters. They have a lot of chemistry and hate to love trope is very much my favourite. You can tell there is a dark sort of attraction going on between them and they’re also the most enigmatic characters. Fingers crossed that they end up together. The flaw with this one is that they’re too many new characters being added. The perspectives should have remained to the four mains alone rather than adding new perspective chapters. I had no interest in those and those chapters were considerably weaker.
Frozen Tides

I think this one has been my favourite of the series. It’s the best book so far. Jonas is the most useless character in the series by now, he’s running around being a whore for the entire book and not really accomplishing anything. I’m actually surprised Morgan hasn’t killed him off yet given that he’s almost killed Magnus twice and failed both times because Magnus literally talks to him while at knifepoint. How can one character be so useless! Magnus himself had my own heart, and I ached for him to tell Cleo so they could be together. The political intrigue lessens as the magical aspects in the plot begin to increase. I really didn’t like Amara and the addition of new kingdoms, it felt too convenient, but it was okay because it didn’t take away from the plot. I did feel like the torture was overly gruesome but it made it more realistic and I ended up enjoying Felix’s character. The end was so lovely I was squealing in happiness with the romance between Magnus and Cleo finally coming together!
Crystal Storm

The beginning of this book annoyed me. Why do characters believe in leaving the villains alive, it allows them to come back and create havoc. I would have killed King Gaius when I had the chance. I could almost taste the predictability of Taran causing Magnus problems and he does exactly that. Causing lots of rifts between Magnus and Cleo. I did like the tension though given Magnus killed Theon and it gives room for both Cleo and Magnus to work to a healthier place in their relationship. I loved how adamant Magnus is on protecting Cleo from her curse, he is a character written with so much depth. The fantasy aspect of the started falling short. I don’t understand why Morgan suddenly gave Jonas magic. I thought it would be because he could finally be useful but there’s no proper explanation and it felt like a deus ex machina to me, even though Jonah ends up still being quite useless and now seems to have another new love interest. By the end of the book, I wasn’t even surprised by Lucia’s pregnancy and I was starting to lose interest in the story. But I kept reading because of Magneo. They were worth every page.
Immortal Reign

This series has been fantastic but I’m kind of glad it’s over. The story has begun to drag with too many characters and too many new plot points. Everything felt slow and I found myself skimming through every chapter that didn’t have Magnus and Cleo being together and adorable and protective of each other. There was a new villain being introduced almost every book and that was a bit tedious. I would have preferred that Gaius remained the primary villain. I had hoped Cleo would get to kill Gaius and I was hoping for Jonas to die but even when that didn’t happen Cleo and Magnus ruled and lived happily so it was worth the read, nonetheless. In the end, this is a fantastic series but I wish it had ended faster.
Dandelion Wishes
There are
A few
Wishes
I make
Only in December,
They float on the wind
Like dandelions
Glowing gold against
The smoky sky,
Throwing back
Their manes
And roaring
To the breeze
Of all the things
I want.
I want
Starfall and spiced apples,
To bite into
So my chin and lips
Are coated in
Rich golden juice.
I want
Embroidery like snowflakes
To wear on my skin
Like a coating
Of fresh frost.
I want
And I wish
For all the things
That arrive with January’s
As I blow away
The last of
My December
Dandelion wishes.
A Toast to the Stars
I count the stars
Every December,
Hoping for the sky
To burst aflame
In fiery gold.
So I might remember,
The honey,
That drips
With an exquisite slowness
Into the depths of
My tea.
Or the lick
Of flames
From a wildfire
Stoked in the woods
To roast
Sugary marshmallows.
Or the burn
Of candles
Coated in glitter,
That smell of
The amber depths
Of a spiced apple toddy,
That I will toast
To the stars
In January.
Dreams in December
There are things
I dream of
Only in December,
They come in
Shades
Of blues and silvers
Like frost on lakes,
That hide
The cold within the
Deep blue below,
Through silvery smiles.
And the veins of
Snowflakes
Like the deep blue
Veins
That form
In a cheesecake
Sprinkled
With blueberries.
And snowstorms
That whirl by
On silver ice-skates
Slicing through frost
And dreams
Until I wake
In January.
It Only Happens In The Movies – The Empowering Romance I Didn’t Know I Needed
So after A Sky Beyond The Storm I’ve been a bit depressed. My most anticipated read of the year didn’t pan out and Goodreads told me my average book ratings this year were around a 3.6. So it’s basically been an average reading year. At any rate my go to in these sort of depressed book slumps is happy, sappy comedy filled romances. And so browsing on Goodreads I found ‘It Only Happens in the Movies’ by Holly Bourne.
Look, I don’t believe in love. I think it’s psychologically unrealistic for people to be mated to each other and married to each other for life. But I love romance books. It’s the affectionate and humorous banter that I appreciate, the small nothings that create infatuation and the comedy. The books alway end once the protagonists have confessed their love for each other, which is fine with me because that’s typically when things will start to go sour and people will be comfortable enough to be gross and disgusting around their partners. I’m okay not seeing Katherine and Joe Fox dig their noses and fart around the house wearing no pants after that beautiful Somewhere Over the Rainbow scene (ever Nora Ephron wouldn’t be able to save that). But I enjoy the romance in romance books, contradictory and confusing though it may sound.

But at any rate, I started this book, hoping for some comedy and some romance and some new cool first date scenes and the excitement of first kisses and clichéd protagonists. And it didn’t disappoint. It had the troubled young woman, Audrey, who once wanted to be an actress and no longer believes in love and has given up on her dreams because of her horrible ex. She has family problems and girl problems. She’s every other girl in every other book. And then she meets Harry, the player who she promises herself she won’t fall in love with. They work on a zombie movie together, Audrey tries to patch up her own broken family.
Till around 50% I was bored. It was moving too slowly for me personally as Holly Bourne built up Audrey’s character. And then I realized that what I was reading was a masterpiece. Sure it might have failed me as a toe-curling romance with the smile that stretches across my face when I envision two people be happy. But it was real. It was two people, being awkward and misunderstood and facing real problems. So I’ll address the two main ones that really made me give this book 4 stars as compared to the two stars I was feeling at around 42% of the book.
Sex. Audrey is a young woman (aged around 18/19) who recently lost her virginity to her boyfriend Milo, who dumped her when the sex was mindblowingly bad and painful for Audrey and she cried because of the amount of pain she was in. I found this so important, to display Audrey’s inhibitions about sex especially after it was so painful for her and then how traumatic it must have been to be dumped over something she couldn’t control. It’s 2020, romance books which are no longer PG13 are so unrealistic about women and sex. I haven’t read erotica (I have not read 50 Shades of Grey especially since I hated Twilight and it was Twilight fanfiction but also because I didn’t want to lose brain cells by the bad writing my best friend informed me about) but I did do some research after finishing this book and it is so misleading how sex is portrayed for women who are virgins. It’s this rough sort of moment and the girls feel ‘a pinch’ before they moan and then proceed to have some supposedly amazing sex which makes them orgasm multiple times. Like okay I’m sure there are a few people like that, who do have that experience, who am I to talk for the whole female population. But that’s not how it happens for most people. This book proves that, with not one female character who goes through a painful time losing her virginity, but another one who realizes that doing the things that erotica books and romance books prescribe on your first try, when everything you are experiencing is a foreign experiment, is going to be a painful bitch. I loved how awkward sex was portrayed as for Audrey because that is what is real. And it is very much appreciated. She finds out she can’t orgasm through normal sex and then proceeds to try and tell her partner because she feels embarrassed, that is so common for women to be nervous as they start exploring their sexuality, to be conscious and mortified about how the human body works with sex. Just the way all sexual topics were attacked were so well done, it finally felt like a healthy relationship with sex for her.
And now for rant #2 – the ending. I’m a sucker for a happy ending. I want them to drive off in the sunset and have a huge wedding (I KNOW I’M A WALKING TALKING OXYMORON) and have a life together as long as I don’t have to read anything after that point, I love those endings. Anyone opposed to spoilers, this review is over for you. Audrey and Harry do not end up together. They admit they love each other but Audrey breaks it off regardless, because she can’t stay with someone who cheated on her. Usually at this point I’d throw my hands up, turn to my sister and say ‘what a waste of time’. But it’s so so well written by Holly. It’s so realistic and I reflect on myself and what I would do if I loved someone who cheated on me. I would in no circumstances stay, no matter what the reason or excuse. So why was I expecting the character to do what I wouldn’t. It felt so empowering to read this book because Audrey feels weak in the knees with how much she loves this boy but she chooses herself. She realises that nothing Harry does will ever erase this in her mind and even though there is a grand romantic gesture she kisses him and tells him kindly that it’s not going to happen. And I was so happy for her doing that. For choosing herself rather than succumbing to emotions that would probably turn stale with distrust at some point.

Love isn’t just a feeling. love is a choice too. and you may not be able to help your feelings, but you are responsible for the choice you make about what to do with them…
~~ Holly Bourne
I watch a ton of Hindi Serials (it’s a guilty pleasure) and the story is always the same. The boy and girl hate each other the boy betrays the girl big time and then they get back together when he realises he can’t live without her. And all I can think about while I watch and heckle is “Why the hell does she take him back?” And this book gave me that answer and it was so very satisfying.
Would I read this when I want a pure romance story. Probably not. It’s a bit too real to read as a romance. But if I ever get dumped, need out of a toxic relationship or want to feel empowered despite the weakness of my feelings, this is where I will turn.
Four stars given for a marvellous, marvellous read.
If You’ve Read Tiny Pretty Things – Here’s the Dish on the Netflix adaptation
A few weeks ago I heard they were turning popular YA duology, Tiny Pretty Things into a Netflix show. I’m a huge TV critic (in my small social circle that is) and I’m usually quite brutal, so I knew I would end up watching it which is why I had to read the book first. So I picked it up, lit some candles, snuggled into my blankets and read both books in two days in quick succession. For anyone looking at reading the book you might want to skip the next paragraph, for anyone looking at watching the TV show without reading the book go ahead and read the spoilers because nothing is the same.
Tiny Pretty Things focuses on the lives of Bette, Gigi and June who attend America’s premier ballet school to train in classical ballet. At the end of their high school careers there is a chance for two ballerinas to be selected with the ballet company associated with the school and basically be set with a career for the rest of their lives. With hundreds of pretty girls all over all competing to be the best dancers this series is about girl drama as everyone struggles to be at the top. Bette struggles with being in the shadow of her older sister a fantastic prima ballerina and in turn hates anyone who gives her competition, enough to bully them. June struggles with horrific anorexia and bulimia with an unsupportive mother and daddy issues (non sexual actual DNA based daddy issues). Gigi the kindhearted California transfer who just wants to dance and have a boyfriend finds herself bullied by mean messages and glass filled pointe shoes finds herself having to adapt and become meaner to survive especially because she is an African American girl in a world of white ballerinas. Basically this series is a helping of teenage drama with lovely aspects of classical ballet.
The TV show had next to none of the above.
Firstly other than Bette and June there were no other characters from the book. I mean the producers of the show might as well have changed both girls names and then not have to have written ‘Based on the book by…’ in the credits. The third protagonist had been changed completely. There was no more Gigi, but instead another African American girl named Neveah. I mean what’s the point of that? So safe for me to say I was already a bit annoyed when I started watching.
But at any rate I was willing to look past it. The book was a three star read for me, it was a good read to pass the time, but I probably won’t pick it up again. I feel like both the authors however had managed to capture the essence of the budding ballet world, in terms of racism and sexism and how the entire process is for the dancers. So when the book sort of pegs the villainy on different races and religions rather than the white girl being the villain as was in the book I was confused. If they had wanted to depict the racist and religious intolerances and homophobia that people face in the ballet community the best thing would have been to follow the book. Instead by introducing a new Muslim character and starting by pinning him as the villain then as the jilted lover and sort of a weirdo and by making sure Neveah was originally paired with him is so controversial. I am all for love is love. Anyone should be able to love anyone. But when in the original the African American girl is paired off with the white straight boy, which in itself is ground breaking for the book, then why change it and have her paired up first with one outcast and then a bisexual bulimic boy. To me these pairings which would have been fine if this was a totally new series, but since this was based on the book it felt like a purposeful undermining of that pairing. Controversial.
Instead of depicting stunning classical ballets (The Nutcracker and Swan Lake as classical ballets and Giselle as a romantic ballet) which should have formed the focus of Bette, June and Neveah’s rivalry, there was now an entirely new choreography based on Jack The Ripper. I didn’t sign on to watch that. I wanted to watch the beautiful originals especially because the actors were trained in ballet. I wanted to see original costumes and the Odile coda that Bette would perform. Instead I got some lame ballet called Ripper where the costumes were shorts and a jacket. It was such a huge let down. They had a cast full of dancers and they were under utilised, completely. There was so much scope for good dancing and it was completely wasted.
The book went from Young Adult to an adaption that was very clearly adult. There was so much sex and nudity. I understand that even in the book sex was a clear part of the young adult relationships. That’s fine. But it wasn’t explicit. There was a lot of nudity and explicit sex in this, a friend of mine who is watching it now asked if it was soft porn. Sex amongst high schoolers today has become norm, there’s no question. But these are still 16 years old or younger kids who are discovering their bodies, to expect them be having sex every night when they are in a highly competitive dance school looking at performing, dancing and studying and trying to maintain a certain physique is unrealistic. I mean if you’re having sex all night and dancing seven days a week without sleeping I can assure you, you’ll probably be doing ballets like Ripper instead of Giselle or Swan Lake. Hmmm maybe that does make the show accurate.
One of the things I was disappointed by was the relationship between the girls. I personally, am not a fan of girls hating on girls, sisters killing sisters (I’m looking at you Three Dark Crowns) and girls fighting over guys. Not my style. But when I look at reality, where not all boys are expected to be friends with each other I find the idea of all girls being supportive BFF’s highly unrealistic. I prefer girls supporting other girls, but that’s not always the case. They can hate each other, be best friends, compete with each other and be supportive like Meredith and Christina from Greys Anatomy or be competitors who despise each other. So for me it was fine in this one off to read about girls who hated each other and were competitive enough to drag each other to the depths of hell so they could get on top. I found the bullying a bit sociopathic, but it was an interesting view for me on what people are willing to do to get to the top. The show erased this almost completely. Sue the girls flung some mean comments at each other, but hey, I fling sarcastic comments bordering on hurtful to everyone on a daily basis, so big whoop. There were scenes between the girls of very unrealistic hand holding and giggling as they decided to take a completely third party down. That’s not what I signed on for at all. It was like they tried to pacify the ‘Girls support girls’ trope and they failed because they did neither. Try harder Netflix.
There was a lot of focus on the older administration of the Ballet School and other adults. Bette’s older sister barely has a role but now has a crucial part to play in the story. The choreographer of Ripper was a sexual predator who cheated on his girlfriend and tried groping every pretty student he could find. The director of the school was running a scam pimping out the girls of the school to rapists at a beach club. I can’t put into words my astonishment at all this additional nonsense.

I mean, sexual harassment and sexual offences awareness is EXTREMELY important. It does play a minor role in the books, but suddenly takes center stage in a number of ways in the show. The protagonists are sidelined completely to make room for all this sexual drama. I’ll be honest I didn’t want to watch a story about sexual predators, murderers and rapists. All I wanted, was to watch a group of girls be bitchy and some fantastic dancing. This show didn’t provide either. It was an over-sexed drama regarding a group of adults manipulating some girls. Eating disorders which was an integral part of the book were sidelined. A few scenes of a young boy vomiting and making notes of calories with no solutions and no side effects is just saying ‘HEY LOOK BULIMIA’ rather than ‘Eating disorders are scary and can have severe ramifications.’ In the book, my stomach turned at the Bulimia. While watching the show I didn’t care, because of the sad depiction.
At the end of the day this was bad TV and my advice would be to not watch it. If you’re in the mood for something gossipy read Tiny Pretty Things. If you want to watch ballet watch Misty Copeland videos or Nadia Osipova, it’s a far better use of time!
An Ode to Agra
The immensities of the past often fall like water upon our shoulders. The burden too heavy for us to carry and so while some things soak into you skin and memory, others form forgotten puddles on the meandering roads of history. They lie there, a dip of stories that more often than not no one reads. But what about those droplets of history that stick to our skin? They wash over generation after generation until they stand as monuments that have withstood the attack of time as it ran by over and over and over again. Agra is one of those cities, that has withstood. It houses some of the greatest buildings from medieval Indian history, the most popular one being the Taj Mahal.

People flock to the Taj every year to go see the stunning white marble mausoleum where Shah Jahan’s late Queen, Mumtaz Mahal’s cabr is housed. Every building within the 17 acres of the Taj Mahal Complex has some purpose. Some story to tell, but our focus remains on the great marble mausoleum that looms overhead in blinding brightness. It stands out against vibrant blue skies, the pastels of dusk and dawn and even in the fog and rain, it seems to have donned a veil of clouds. This is Shah Jahan’s ode to his wife. His beloved. And the Taj is an ode to Agra. It is the greatest love song that an Emperor has written for his Empress, a husband for his wife, an aashiq for his lover ~
“I counted the stars till the dawn fell upon Agra. It was a cloudy day. The winter drizzle had brought black clouds with it, the pink sky merging into a dull grey. But this was not a day to stay away from the city, despite the bone deep desire for hot coffee, crocheted blankets and books. This was a day for the story of the city. A love story. A tragedy. All tied in together.
As I walk through the city, on the dusty road that leads up to the Taj Mahal Complex, there is a chill in the air. Throngs of people have arrived despite the chill and the dampness. Photographers offer their services to the foreigners, hoping to make cash on the practiced photos they take with the best angles, the great monument standing behind them in grand splendour. It’s an arrogant story, a story that everyone goes to read, to witness, to take pictures of. It tells the tale of the Emperor of the Subcontinent who spent millions of rupees to build his wife a tomb, so she might be encased in something beautiful. It’s the story I read in history books in middle school. I walk on, until the green grounds stretch in front of me, the grass starting to brown as the winter chill seeps into the mud.
A large carmine darwaza appears ahead. This is the darwaza-i-rauza, It’s many domes looking like strange birds with their sharp beaks pointed towards the sky. The white a stark contrast to the sandy red. It shrouds what is to come, the red a misleading ruse. Red sandstone is a habit in these stories, I can’t help but think, why would this be any different? But it is. The air of mystery that wafts off it complete with the darkness of the clouds. The exact vocabulary used to describe the architecture is confusing and filled with large words. The white marble inlay on the darwaza is encrusted with precious stones in verses of the Koran. The same marble used for the Taj lying beyond the Great Darwaza.

There is something so enchanting about darwaza’s. All of them on the Taj Complex promise some new secret. They lie in half open arches, each leading from place to place, some covered in intricate jaali, others encrusted with precious gems. Which will lead to which. It seems like a map of promises. Doorways upon doorways of secrets. Some whisper of sunlight just beyond, others are cloaked in shadows, each leading to a new part of the story. I notice it as I walk through the complex.


But the true stories do lie in the white marble mausoleum that is the Taj. Not in the large facade. But in the smaller elements. I see the lover in the the engravings all over the wall. He wants his beloved to walk through the valley of death surrounded by flowers. She will walk in the white of death surrounded by the blooming flowers inlaid like fresh blood, the color enveloping the sobriety. He has the mazdoors engrave delicate lotus flowers for her to set sail on heavenly rivers, pomegranates so she may remember the ripeness of their love, ginger for her to brew in her tea. He has the Amanat Khan inscribed in calligraphy at the entrance so she may stay within the canopy of his God’s blessing. He engraves love letters in these symbols across the monuments. He instructs the mazdoors to make sure that there is darkness in the center of the tomb but yet small spaces of light for his beloved so she may still feel the warmth of the sun. These are epistolary remains of his love and his grief inscribed in color and secret messages of fertility and blessings and the spaces in between their love, that was filled with small nothings. I see a lover coming to spend time with his beloved in those sacred dark spaces allowing his cheeks to be warmed by the sun as though he is sitting across the glow of her healthy skin.

Across the way on the large white expanse upon which I stand lies the empty space across the banks of the blackening Yamuna. The heavy air of regret drapes the air. A King wishing to look upon his Queen even in death, in the depths of a second onyx Taj. But it lies empty still. The river barely laps at the banks, the only blackening thing as it dies from all the rubbish it has been choked with. A maelstrom of feelings are evoked by the entire expanse as you look at it from the mouth of the cabr.
I see the mysteries that shroud it, the horror of the mazdoors who built it, the grand story of an emperor honoring his queen, regrets that swirl through the wind and above all a lover who wished only beautiful things for the woman he loved. This is the Agra, one should see, despite the cliches and the throngs of tourist hoping for nothing more but a single snap and check on their Indian travel bucket list.
The stories the Taj tells is it’s ode to Agra, and this is mine to it.

Breathe
Hold a stethoscope to the chest
Of a piano,
And hear it breathe
As you play each key.
Let the music flow and thrum
In sinewy veins and chords.
Let the beating of heavy sighs
Beat with your irregularly shaped heart
As it tightens and
Turning heavy
Dragging you down.
Pulling at your scalp.
Drawing water from your eyes.
Let the strings of the violin
Vibrate and dance around you
The banging of drums
Mirror
The pounding in your head.
A tidal wave of angel voices
At angles of tan, sine and cosine to the ocean
Overcome you.
Learn to breathe with crumbling lungs
In the crushing silence
That rings the tinkling bells of solitude
Or use the stethoscope,
And let the piano
Do it for you.
The Moscow Misadventure!
I’ve always done well in school, been the editor of the school-paper, do moderately well at law school, can decimate other peoples stupidity with sarcasm and acerbic remarks in seconds, and am able to hold my own in most conversations. So when people see ‘misadventure’ associated with my name some aren’t able to believe it and yet those who know me best would tell you that all my travel stories (or perhaps any story worth telling about me) have at least one completely crazy adventure that was unplanned and that I have been completely unprepared for. Most caused by me, some I have borne witness too and all absolutely, delightfully mad.

In the hot months of July and August 2018, right before I started at University, my mother and I decided to take a trip to Russia with her brother and his wife (Mamoo and Mami as I call them in the Indian vernacular). We found ourselves flying at 4 am IST and landing down in Moscow as the sun rose majestically over the city.
Moscow is an amalgamation of sleek modern buildings and historical domed buildings that look like they have been picked straight out of old fairytales. The domes gleam gold under the sun and the buildings are painted in hues of the rainbow or in pretty, muted pastels. After an extremely long immigration line, we drove to our hotel – The St. Regis, a prime location that opens up right into Nikolskaya Street.

Nikolskaya street is a historic old gem, that connects the famed Red Square with Lubyanka Square. It is much akin to the Champs Élysées in Paris, La Rambla of Barcelona or Oxford Circus in London. Aside from the array of historic Cathedrals and old buildings on it, it is lined with boutique stores on one side of the road and tiny cafes serving champagne, macaroons and honey cakes covered in powdered sugar. The enormous GUM took up most of the other side of the street. Inside the large department store were more shops and restaurants and carts selling candy-floss and ice cream and lots of souvenirs from the FIFA World Cup, keychains of the green and yellow lion were everywhere. Overhead the entire street was strung up with fairy lights that glittered dimly under the morning sunlight and at night would turn the street into a glowing wonderland of color. Dark clouds roiled overhead as we walked through and by the time, we turned onto the Red Square soft drops of rain fell lightly atop the cobble stones.


The Red Square holds a variety of historical sites, the most famous one being the Kremlin. The Red Square is aptly named given that most of the monuments are made from the carmine colored stone and fringed with greens and blues. The Spasskaya Tower, the somber Lenin’s Mausoleum, the walls of the Kremlin and the beautiful St. Basil’s Cathedral. At night, golden lights ring the edge of every building. The buildings look straight out of a fairytale, throngs of people flocking here and there. The Kremlin stands among them, like a majestic queen.


Originally a palace, the walls are heavily fortified, with numerous towers. Primarily colors are green and red, the towers look like Christmas Trees or frosted sugar cookies. Stepping on the cobbled stones feels like stepping into a rich, colorful and historic storybook. The inside of the Kremlin holds a variety of buildings, as a museum and tourist attraction. Cathedral buildings, pristine white outsides with metallic domes and such colorful interiors with mosaics and artwork and large metal canons. The diamond collections of the Romanovs is jaw-dropping, extravagant stones that drip out of velvet pouches, crowns and tiaras embedded with jewels the size of my fist. The gardens outside are embellished with characters from old Russian Folktales in the canals, the walls of the Kremlin, shine crimson in the nearby distance.
We roamed around the cerise tinted buildings, as a soft drizzle blew apart our hair. I have always preached the best way to discover a city is to walk it. And so, we walked through the square, flooded with the remnants of FIFA fans and construction workers as the Square was set up for a large concert that night.
Travelling with adults in the family has perks. You have enough money for ice cream, sugary pastries, nonsensical souvenirs and you get to stay in the best places. But the downside is that they’re adults, they tire easily, and so after what seemed like a few moments, they decided to go and rest in the hotel for the afternoon. I couldn’t begin to express my disappointment. So, I convinced Ma to let me wander through the city on my own, with the promise that I wouldn’t wander too far, and I’d stay in the crowded areas of the city. After all, she had said, I was to live on my own in a new city for university anyway, it would do no harm for me to go off on my own. So I bid adieu to the three adults and relished my first new experience as an adult, with my polaroid camera slung near my hips and earphones firmly plugged in, I Google Mapped the route to the Arbat, one of the most famous tourist areas of Moscow, making sure I took the most scenic route. Obviously, I had forgotten Ma’s instructions touted minutes earlier to not wander too far… At any rate, the adults had gone back to St. Regis on the precipice of Nikolskaya Street and I made my way around the square, behind St. Basil’s to the banks running along the Moskva River, ready to discover Moscow until my feet bled.
The St. Basil’s Cathedral is an Orthodox Church built in the 1500s. Built like flames, with vibrantly shaded domes, the church stands out in stark red fringed with color and gold filligree. The domes are a mix of the architectural styles of Byzantine churches and mosques. Each building in the Cathedral is constructed in a different manner probably due to the staggered development it received from its different architects while being built. The backside of the Cathedral looms over you, the red deep and sandy, like if you rubbed a finger across it, the grit and color would tint your finger a slight orange. But it’s quieter and there are few tourists who see the Cathedral in entirety. The inside is a culmination of beautiful murals on almost ever wall and gallery and the top floor has a group of singers, who’s voice echoes through the Cathedral at intervals through the day. It’s peaceful and yet one of the most highly frequented areas in the city…


From the Cathedral I had made my way down to the Moskva River. It lilted softly under the clouds and the receding rainfall. The sky was a grey blue and the water shone deep greyish green. The walls of the Kremlin stretched out, inexplicably large, St Basil’s rainbow domes against the cloud and there was yet another large tower, the Beklemishevskaya Tower forming another corner of the old castle, overhead near the banks. I began walking, in the distance I could see another pristine fairytale building towering over the river. Whitewashed walls and large glowing gold domes.

It took me about an hour and a half of walking to finally reach the mystery building. The white walls and golden dome, gave an impression of extreme cleanliness. Cathedral of Christ the Saviour, another Orthodox Cathedral, but built quite differently from St. Basil’s. There the color popped out at you, eye catching and loud while this Cathedral had a more serene and dominating beauty. It had been built in the 1800 but was demolished on the orders of Stalin in the 1930’s, what can be seen now is a reconstructed version of the Cathedral. The inside too is far different, with its huge domed ceiling and the magnificent organ. It has an ominous sort of presence, the silence a large presence, the only sound is the occasion deep tinkling of the organ.

Having had enough of Cathedrals for the day I began my walk, onwards to the Arbat. Moscow is a quaint city, the neighbourhoods give off an old time charm. White washed houses and elegant roofs with lovely, lush green flowering trees, the last verdant leaves before the fall will turn the city orange and gold. In between the quiet streets, strange monuments or buildings crop up.
There are gardens and parks, interspersed in between these quiet streets, and it just so happened that I chanced upon one of these.
The Gogolevsky Boulevard, didn’t remind me of a typical boulevard, a street lined with greenery. It felt like wandering through a beautiful garden, the green trees making a canopy overhead, the road winding and meandering, makes wandering through it such a pleasurable experience. But what really sets this Boulevard apart are the fountains. There’s the fountain of the author the Boulevard was named for, Nikolai Gogol, he sits in a boat, rowing. But my favorite was the fountain of the Horse-heads. Delightfully whimsical and beautiful at the same time, it’s such a shame so few people are able to chance upon this gem.

A bit later, I finally reached the Arbat. The sun was finally peeking out of the clouds and the street was bathed in soft yellow light. It was an explosion of color and music and tiny shops. There was one with antique watches and knick knacks, someone was selling caramelized nuts, the aroma filling the air with the heavy fragrance of sugar and cinnamon. Lines of artists selling the most beautiful things, portraits, paintings done on barks of tree, canvases rolled out in a plethora of color, framed wood, with golden animals popping out in 3D. Every few blocks, there’d be another street artist, blowing the trumpet, or playing a keyboard or singing. On the far end of the street someone was blowing enormous bubbles, the orbs of soapy water glinted in the bare sunlight, splattering rainbows here and there, before popping and shaking out tiny droplets of water that soared through the air. It’s a place in the city where color and character scream at you as you walk by. ‘Look at me!’ A culmination of soft historic antiques, and wild artistic beauty.

As dusk began to sink over the city, I decided it was time to head home. My calves were starting to hurt from the long walk I had undertaken and my Fitbit had chimed 10,000 steps a couple of hours prior. So I Google Mapped the fastest route to the St. Regis, determined not to be a pain and haul it all in right there. Taking the smaller roads in between the city and away from the Moskva I began the long arduous walk back, my feet weeping, yet smile intact as I took in the views. Planters filled with hydrangeas, the smell of fresh rain. About an hour and a half later I saw the crimson walls of the Kremlin, and made my way to cross the road and enter the Red Square from where I would then make my way back to Nikolskaya Street and rest my poor aching feet. But where earlier there had been a crossing for pedestrians, now there were only barricades! For the concert that evening of course. So there was no way for me to cross the road.
This was not to be borne, there had to be another crossing, how else were people supposed to get across the street? So I trudged on, circling the monumental building that was a University library, sure I would find a crossing. But there were none, no thick white stripes on tar, just an expressway upon which cars zoomed by. And then I spotted it. A metro crossing. All I had to do, was go underground cross through the metro line and find my way on the otherside. It was then that my phone rang, the tell-tale ‘Ma Ka Phone’, trilling loudly in the air, informing me that my Mother now wanted to know where I was and how soon I’d be along to the hotel.
I told her in as many words that I couldn’t seem to make my way into the Red Square, but not to worry, I had just spotted an underground crossing which I was going to go through to find myself back within the familiar carmine walls. My phone was now at 5%, Google Maps draining it even further.

“Don’t use the Underground Crossing!” my mother cautioned. We hail from Delhi, a city that is scorned at, in regards to womens safety. I am rarely allowed to use the metro system there, and this was a new city, where we had no idea what the station would be like. A silly notion at that for the Moscow Metro Stations are some of the most whimsically beautiful ones I have had the pleasure of seeing (just a few days later). Some have works of stained glass art, others bronze statues and domed ceilings, some have mosaics and colourful instillations. Each one is a work of art, and there is nothing unsafe about it.

At any rate, having now been forbidden to use the Underground crossing, I was well and truly stuck. I took yet another round of the library before we decided there was no way out of it (or rather my mum decided), I was lost, she declared in an annoyed voice that belied how angry she was slowly getting. I sent her my location as she roused my Mamoo, from his nap so she could come and find me. As they tried to hail a cab, talking to me all the while, I saw the little white circle come alive on my phone and then the screen went black. Dead. No battery. I stared at the screen and thought to myself, ‘Well that’s it. I’m done for.’
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t panic regarding being lost in a foreign city, with no money for a cab, no phone, no language except for my own. Why panic when I could see the Red Square a few yards away in which I knew the hotel was. It was the panic that comes with being inherently Indian, whatever was my Mother going to do to me when she found me. It’s an Indian parent thing. At any rate I circled back to where the barricaded crossing was, entered the café, rummaged through my purse and found a lone coin. Buying a bottle of water, I asked for a charger, plugged it in and waited for the bitten apple to appear on the blackened screen, awaiting the impending scolding I was sure to receive when my mother found me.
When the phone finally lit up, I messaged my mother my location and sent her a quick picture of the restaurant name. ‘We can’t get a cab!’ she yelled over the phone “There’s too much happening with the concert! Just stay put!’ I agreed heartily, I had water, a view of the Kremlin and the Square, people-watched couples and could finally give my darling legs a break from the long walk I had put them through. It’s a testament to how nice the Russians are that they let me borrow a charger, and sit for an hour with just a bottle of water purchased at the counter.
One hour, passed then another, and finally a cab appeared in which sat my mother and uncle, one unable to believe that this was our very first day in Moscow and I had already gotten myself into a fix and another fuming mad, I covered my ears afraid that she might just box them, but all she did was glare at me, ‘How do these things happen to you, Zoya?’ she asked me in exasperation, after a few minutes once the cab had started moving towards the St. Regis.
I shrugged, nonplussed, I had seen most of the city in a single day and seen so much that the adults wouldn’t be able to for the rest of the trip, aside from the unfortunate end I was quite pleased with myself.
Later that night as we left for dinner, we passed the same café, I pointed out the areas to my aunt who had been most worried, in the hotel, waiting for us. With a laugh , she asked me ‘Why didn’t you just use the metro crossing?’ Immediately my mother was roused from the front seat! “There’s a metro crossing! Oh Zoya! Why didn’t you just use that to cross!?’ she asked me in a huff, before turning back to the front.
I stared at her in disbelief, unable to fathom what I was hearing. ‘You told me I wasn’t to use it!’ I retorted.
‘I didn’t know that was what you were talking about baby. You can be so silly sometimes.’ She finished, shaking her head.
The car made its way on the restaurant as I stared at all the adults laughing, in utter disbelief. Misadventure my foot, I huffed, as we made our way through Moscow…